Labor ... The Truth & Whole Truth So Help Me Epidural

I planned a natural birth. I even wrote typed a birth plan. Knowing, mind you, that your body does not listen to you, or your wishes for the glorious birthing tub and soothing sounds of Jack Johnson. No, no your body has other plans. I know I am not alone in imagining, dreaming and even fearing birth for the first time. I was smart enough to know that it would hurt like hell but that I could deal with pain on my own. && I was ready! I took the birthing classes with my ever loving husband, worked out regularly throughout the pregnancy to maintain my 'strength', used the damn medicine ball, bought the lavender oil, massage tool and packed my speaker to play relaxing music. So as my water broke @ 2:00 AM on a Thursday morning (a slow leak go figure) I thought let's do the damn thing!

Here's how it REALLY played out:

After consulting with my midwife she says I can labor at home and go in later in the morning. No problem! The contractions weren't bad - I could do this all day, no sweat! So we say goodbye to the cats, grab the bags and head to the hospital. This is where is gets fun. The midwife tries to tell me I'm not in labor, so I ugly girl cry, you know like an angry 5 year old? But then after a couple of tests, my instincts are right & it is labor! But we're just getting started so we walk, and walk and walk. After approximately 9 hours of labor my body declares it hates me and we make no progress (none, zip, zero!) so they put me on Pitocin, oh it's just getting fun! Meanwhile hubby is rubbing my back, playing music, talking me through each contraction like the rock-star that he is! & in return I am attempting to break his fingers! At this point my midwife says that I should get an epidural. The Pitocin is going to make the contractions more painful she says. My response? I am woman, hear me roar! I can do this, my body is made for this.

4 Hours later...

Contractions are the devil! If I were in the CIA and needed to torture someone, I would find a way to replicate this pain. Yeah, that'd get 'em talking! So there's this awesome pain, plus I am hungry (no, make that hangry), I am sweaty & a blubbering baby strapped to this damn hospital bed. Let me get back on the medicine ball, put me in the tub! Those will help with this pain! But no, thanks to Mr. Pitocin, you are strapped down with nowhere to go. I think I am going to either break my husbands arm off or break this bed in half. The hulk doesn't not have $h!t on me! Again, my Midwife asks if I want the epidural... NO!

5 Minutes later...

"GET ME THE F^C#ING EPIDURAL!" There is no way to explain this pain. This is like having your limbs ripped off, an atom bomb placed in your belly, & a shit inducing trip to Golden Corral all in one... no that still doesn't cut it... There is just no way to describe it.

The anesthesiologist shows up like a knight in shining scrubs! HALLELUJAH! Oh no wait, you have to sit up & be still while he places a very large needle into your spine. Bless my husband and the nurse whose fingers I think broke at this moment.

Ahhh, sweet relief! I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute...

Suddenly the 'pressure' that comes and goes, won't go away! Sweet, sweet hubby presses the epidural button (rapidly) && I try to explain through gritted teeth that that's not going to do anything. CALL THE NURSE!!

Midwife & nurse breeze in, "What's going on?" Well the pressure won't go away... So she pulls back the sheet & says "Oh there's the head. Looks like we're having a baby!"

RIGHT NOW?! 

If we go back in time to those birthing classes, I can remember telling my husband he won't be going 'south of the border' during labor. But, OF COURSE there isn't enough time to get another nurse and the midwife tells hubby, "Grab a leg Daddy!" He looks at me & says, you HAVE to see this! The nurse responds with, "I'll get the mirror!" I didn't want the mirror! I can FEEL everything just fine, I don't need to see it. They made me look -  enough said.

Finally, one more push and out comes my sweet 7lb 4oz little miracle! She is the most amazing thing I have ever laid eyes on. Feeling the weight of that sweet baby on my chest was the best feeling! All of that pain was worth it as I say to my hubby, "Look what we did Daddy! Look what we made."

Moral of the story - Epidural is my new best friend && I will have him on speed dial for the next time!